The terms “unequally yoked” and “spiritually single” describe the married person who is a born again believer but whose spouse is not. This situation can occur from one of several circumstances:
We frequently hear of marriages where one of the spouses is spiritually single and desiring to see his or her spouse come to Christ. This problem is not a new one, neither is it a unique one. Most pastors have seen it and/or dealt with it. However, to the believer who finds him/herself in such a marriage, there needs to be answers, encouragement and direction.
My heart aches for one who is spiritually single, knowing that there will probably be many issues that arise because of it. Struggles can be numerous, and include disagreements concerning how to raise the children, if/where to go to church, how to spend money, if/where to give money to spiritual causes, friendships, what television programs to watch, music to buy and on and on. In short, a marriage containing one person who is not a believer will likely have conflict in most areas. That is why Paul exhorts us to not be unequally yoked in II Cor. 6:14.
There are many suggestions I would like to offer the person who is “spiritually single.”
1. Stay In The Marriage - In the mind of an unequally yoked person it is so easy to wonder if God really expects him/her to stay in a seemingly sinful situation. We ask ourselves, “Could this really be God’s will?” Unless the unbelieving spouse chooses to leave the marriage, a person is instructed by God to stay. I Cor. 7: 12-17 gives us principles to live by concerning this. Paul acknowledges that these kinds of marriages exist, and that it is possible and even hopeful that the unsaved spouse would come to salvation by the godly example of the saved spouse. Try at all costs to honor the commitment you made when you married him/her.
2. Be Open To God Changing You - I Peter 3: 1-2 says, “Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.” I believe the principle of being open to God’s change applies to husbands who have an unbelieving wife also. I Cor. 7 verse 16 implies the question, “how do you know if you will not be able to see your spouse come to Christ because of your example?” Realize that God can and will give you grace and strength to face the particular challenges of your marriage and that He will use you in to influence and affect your partner, possibly even when you do not actually see it! As Joyce Meyer says, “God may change your circumstances, but He will change you first.”
3. Be Patient With The Unbelieving Spouse - Realize that he/she does not and cannot see things from a spiritual perspective since he/she is not yet born again! (II Cor. 4: 3-4) Remember, God is patient with us, who are believers, when we sin and do not live up to His standards and will. Continue to ask God to help you exercise and model the patience of Christ.
4. Realize The Spouse/Family Is Sanctified By The Believer - I Cor. 7:14 states, “For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified by her believing husband. Otherwise, your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.” This means that they are set apart to God and that He has a special interest in them. You can be sure it is His will for your spouse to come to salvation, and that the Holy Spirit is doing everything possible for this to become a reality!
5. Guard Your Speech - “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the hearts.” (Eph 4:29) It is easy to say things to an unbelieving spouse that are not helpful out of the realization that marriage could be better if he/she were a believer, and out of frustration that he/she is currently not. Resist harmful comments that stem from this. Try to speak only kind, courteous and strengthening words.
6. Invite Your Spouse To Special Events - Many times an unbeliever who would not attend a church service will attend a concert, musical, play, drama, men’s or women’s activity etc. Events such as these centered on a Christmas, Easter, hobby, sports figure, or other theme may be the type of event that will seem “safe” to the unbeliever to attend. If he/she does not respond positively to the fist few invitations, don’t stop asking! Use your discretion as to how often to extend the invitation.
7. Meet With Your Pastor - Discuss your situation with your pastor so he/she is familiar with it and can advise you as well as pray for you. The pastor may or may not know of the spouse who is not yet saved and may be very helpful to you. In some cases, he/she may be able connect you with others of the same gender who are in the same circumstance. The discussion, prayer and support that could come from this would be very helpful. In large churches, forming a support group for “spiritually single” people may even be a possibility.
8. Believe God To Bring Your Spouse To Salvation - II Pet. 3:9 says, “The Lord is not slack concerning His promise…but is longsuffering toward us, not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance.” I John 5: 14-15 assures us by saying, “This is the confidence we have in Him, that if we ask any thing according to his will, he hears us; And if we know that he hears us, whatever we ask we know we will have…” God wants the unbelieving spouse to come to Him! Christian marriage was His idea in the first place! You can be sure that He is working to bring about the circumstances that will make it conducive to the unbelieving spouse to accept Him as savior.
9. Write A Letter To Your Spouse - It may help you and your spouse to have a letter expressing several things to him/her. A written letter allows a person to read and digest the thoughts again and again. This letter should be carefully worded, and could include the following information:
10. Help The Children To Understand When Necessary/Beneficial - At times it may be necessary and/or helpful to explain certain things to the children regarding the conflicts that arise. Ask God for wisdom in this, and use your discretion as to when and how much to share with them. As they grow older, your influence, example of peacefulness, and wisdom will play a major part in their understanding and acceptance of the differences and conflicts they sense in their parents.
11. Regarding A Marriage Break Up - I believe from the example of scripture that it is usually God’s will for a believer to stay in the marriage with the unbeliever, irregardless of when the believer came to Christ, either before or after the marriage. There are two exceptions, however. Paul addresses the issue of abandonment in I Cor. 7:15 when he says, “But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.”
The other exception regards the issue of adultery. Jesus states in Matt. 5:32 and 19:9, “Whoever divorces his spouse and marries another, except for the cause of marital unfaithfulness, commits adultery. Even in this case, it would be God’s desire for the offended party to forgive and the marriage to be reconciled, however, it takes two to accomplish this.
In conclusion, remember the acronym…STOP!
STAY/STAND - Stay with your spouse and stand in faith for his/her salvation
TRUST - Trust God to work with your spouse, and with you, to bring about His will
OBEY - Obey the scriptural admonitions concerning your situation
PRAY - Pray diligently, consistently, persistently for your spouse
Living life “spiritually single” is not easy, but it is possible! “We must realize that living unequally yoked and/or in a stressful, unhappy marriage is not our “fate” in life. It is not what we got stuck with. It is not a punishment for our sins. It is now our calling…how wonderful that He promises to take what the devil planned for evil and turn it into good.”
I recommend the following web site as a very helpful resource for addressing the need of the “spiritually single” person. (Women and men may benefit from it).
Spiritually Single Wives Married For Life
www.sswmfl.org
When There Is Physical Abuse
Some individuals find themselves in a marriage where the spouse is physically abusive to them and/or their children because of one or more of a number of reasons. This should not be the case in any marriage, especially in a Christian one, but sadly, does sometimes exist. Abusers are emotionally and physically dangerous to their spouse and/or children. In this instance, I would recommend the following.
A) Try diligently to get the abusing spouse to go to counseling.
B) Pray for change in his/her behavior (it can be a male or female abuser).
C) Give God time to work. Do not use a one-time incident of abuse as a license for divorce. Sometimes people use this as justification for a divorce, when in fact, there are other problems also that are contributing to the behavior (a model of or childhood of abuse, unforgiveness, bitterness, etc.). When these are faced and resolved, the problem of abuse could be lessened or even solved. I’m not sure God wants us to look for reasons to divorce after a one-time incident of this anymore than He does after a one-time incident of adultery. His desire is to help change and restore as and IF individuals cooperate with Him.
D) Consider a separation - You must decide, sometimes with the help of another, whether it is safe enough and worthwhile to stay in the same household with an abuser. Seek advice from a counselor and/or pastor regarding this.
E) Continue in counseling until you, with the help of your counselor, pastor and God, are convinced he/she will not change and/or you are released from the relationship.
F) Regarding Divorce - If you and your spouse are separated and are considering divorce, try by any means to let the abuser file for the divorce. If he/she will, you will have less to wrestle with concerning divorce and possible remarriage. (I Cor 7: 15) I realize the abuser may refuse to divorce initially, and/or indefinitely. In this case I would ask myself these questions.
I realize not all will agree with me on this issue. We must all give account of ourselves to God for our beliefs, convictions and actions.
