By David Argue
The pastor stopped in the middle of what he was saying, paused, briefly stared at the floor, then looked at me and said, “Actually, I guess the truth about me is this: most days I feel I am hanging by a thread.”
His remark surprised me. During the first part of our conversation he had used the language of success: a growing church, the best-ever staff, a long-term pastorate, the finest people, building programs, and great messages.
Then he asked, “How is it going with you?”
It was after I spoke candidly of my journey during these months that he took the risk to become vulnerable. Since then I have frequently prayed for him and have often thought about how hard it is for pastors to find a safe person to talk with, to admit the nature of their inner conversations — the ones that are for real.
Pastors are trying to lead people and be models of strength and purpose. They often feel they must do all they can to earn or keep the respect of the board with whom they serve. To whom do pastors talk? Whom do they disclose to fully? Who watches out for pastors? Who can tell them the hard truth in such a way that it is nonthreatening?
In fall 2003, I found myself on a downward spiral. The church I had been founder/pastor of for 28 years was flourishing (18 percent growth the year before).
Had someone asked me how I was doing, I could have easily referenced:
I could have given these answers, most people would have been pleased, and I would have appeared to be doing just fine.
But, at the same time, I was beginning to hit the wall. I was on my way to exhaustion, breakdown, and depression. I was feeling increasingly more trapped and alone. Then, after a time, the stress on the inside started to show on the outside.
Now I can see it clearly. Then, I found ways to tell myself I was okay. I would excuse the signs as only temporary. I told myself, When I get this in place, it will be so different. I am just tired today.
Here are some signs that I was hitting the wall:
Sleep disruption
I began having regular difficulty getting to sleep. I began to wake often during the night and found it difficult to turn my mind off. Problems kept rolling over in my mind, mixed with prayers and fretting.
Loss of appetite
In this journey I lost more than 30 pounds through disinterest in food and changes in tastes and preferences. For some in this state, the attraction to food increases greatly: “There is a frenetic quality about our lives … and when we do have discretionary time, we indulge in escapist behaviors — such as compulsive eating, … spending, watching television — because we are too tired to choose activities that are truly life-giving.”1
Irritability
Being hard to live with, finding fault easily, blaming, and pickiness became a part of my life. I had a difficult time at home restraining angry words or feelings. At church, I was a model of grace and kindness; but at home, my wife was feeling the brunt of my crumbling person. It was not pretty.
Loss of leadership strengths
My depression manifested itself in postponement of hard decisions. I put things off that contained obvious risk or that involved choosing the least loss option.
Emotional fragility
My emotions moved closer to the surface and tears were a frequent result. I consoled myself that the tears were always about God and good things happening to His people, but there were far too many tears, and they came too easily.
Mental fragility
I had a painful discovery — an overworked mind not experiencing enough rest can lead to forgetfulness. I began having lapses in memory. I was moving into depression.
About this time a friend who is a graphic artist gave me a sketch of a rowboat pulled up on the shore of a lake, waiting to be used. Underneath the boat were these words: “Get in the boat, go across the lake, there will be a storm, you will not die” (Matthew 8:23-27).
How are you doing? Really? Does anyone else know? Do you?
Thanks to a gracious church, I was given time to begin the process of recovery and was accepted along the way. I will never be the same. My focus of ministry has changed. I feel called to work with pastors and churches that need lift and perspective.
Meanwhile, I seek to live each day with these directives in mind.
I will pace myself
Caveat: I believe in hard work. I believe a pastor’s work is eternal and I believe work must be managed to go full cycle with what God wants us to do and be.
I used to go as hard as I could all of the time, acting as if I was forever 29. Pace? That’s what I put on tacos.
Sleep? Six to 7 hours daily should do me.
Exercise? That’s an option I cannot afford right now.
Appointments? You’ve got time; I’ve got time. I will meet you over breakfast, dinner, supper, evenings — any time is a fine time.
Now I sleep longer (8 to 9 hours) and even take naps. (The Southern hemisphere has known something here all along.) I plan my days more carefully, and I am learning to exercise regularly.
Vacations? They must be structured around what rests and refreshes, even if that means not seeing friends scattered across the country or using those days to attend one more conference. (Unless that is what truly refreshes.)
Appointments are to be managed. (Remember, no one at the end of his life ever wishes he had spent more time in the office.)2
Study time prepares me to touch the 85 percent of the church that only have contact with me through my preaching. This is where they are fed and grow in God.
So, I must pace myself, manage my schedule, draw boundary lines around my work per week, set aside time for what is important, say no without guilt, and keep a personal Sabbath day. Just as I gear up in the morning to face the day, I take time to gear down in the evening so my rest can be peaceful and thorough.
Wherever I can, I will simplify
The simple life tends to be the peaceful life. The uncluttered life gives place to joy. I have begun to give things to people that I hear they would enjoy.
Recently, I overheard a pastor express a need for a commentary set, and that, perhaps, he needed to bite the bullet and order it. I sensed this was a divine setup and pulled that set out of my library and gave it to him. What a delight to see his reaction and know I had been a blessing. He will use those books far more than I did.
A guideline about simplifying has been established: if you have not used something in the last year, it may be time to release it and simplify.
Stuff encumbers … simplicity frees.
I will seek to always be spiritually real and open
There is great joy in being in God’s presence, not asking, not laboring, simply being still, and knowing He is God. Pastors have asked what theologically helped me navigate through these months. My answer is a deep sense that God was in control. I sat often and long in a big chair reiterating my faith that God had not left me. He was in control of this part of the journey, and whatever He wanted I wanted. I am His servant. I have come to an entirely new and real place with God.
When people pray over you, they create an anchoring power. A core group every Friday noon created a prayer shield, a time of soaking in prayer. On one occasion, persons at a house of prayer “read our mail” and provided one more evidence that God is truly in charge. This speaks hope to us. Be open to God and ready to receive in your time with Him.
Be spiritually real with others. When I am with my pastor friends, I seek to edify and encourage, not to compare and boast. Only if I am prodded will I get down to numbers and such.
I will listen to my body
If I had been following this wisdom, perhaps my long journey of depression could have been shortened. The restlessness and anxiousness, the weight, the negative thoughts — these were sending a signal. I can now see that they were the flashing red lights of the advance warning system God has built into us. Now, I listen much better, drink Powerade,TM carry energy bars, take naps, and go to bed when I am tired.
When the opportunity comes, I will ask friends how they sense I am doing, and I will listen
For a time, a small core of trusted friends met with me weekly to let me know how they perceived me to be doing. These meetings took place during a time when I was struggling. Their words could be painful, but their input gave substance to the process. In my case, it was a doorway to improving health and a clearer perspective.
I will be mindful of my use of “later”
If I have issues, confrontations with people, or church organizational matters and these are being postponed because of my lack of energy, I will admit it. I will consider what these symptoms might be saying. Am I frowning when the phone rings? Avoiding people?
After Christ, my first commitment will be to love my family
Too often the pastor’s family pays heavily because of the work of ministry. It is not enough to claim that our family is our priority; they must feel like they are.
My journey into the valley has underlined in my mind that when the journey is winding down and you walk into the sunset, it will, hopefully, be with your family. It will not be with your board or building committee. Priorities in focus now can leave you prepared for the long walk into eternity later.
I will seek to keep the total cycle of life in mind
At moments during these months, I wondered if I would recover fully. Were my days of earning and planning for retirement adequate? What would happen if the church said, “Three months and it’s all over?”
There is such great wisdom in living prepared to go full cycle (and that, men, means you will probably live to age 82).
Four times a week I will exercise
The goal of exercise is enjoyment and physical conditioning. One doctor told me that a person could not walk regularly and be depressed. By walking regularly, he meant 20 minutes of walking at a pace that provides exercise and doing so at least 4 times per week. Walking produces natural responses in your body that effectively eliminates stored toxins and leads as well to the maintenance of our emotional balance.
The key is to find an exercise that bridges into aerobic value and that you can enjoy. Do that for at least 20 minutes. To stop earlier creates a negative impact on your body. Walk and pray. Walk and meditate. Walk and talk with a friend. But walk.
I will regularly allow diversion and the consequent delight it brings to be a part of my life
For some, their diversion will be a hobby. For others, it will be a game or sporting event. It is important that one’s diversion brings joy, helps him enter another world, relax, play, create, and pique an interest that is big in him. This allows the mind to go on a mini vacation.
Bow hunting, fishing, digital photography, golf, cycling, painting, auto restoration — all these and more are what friends who are practicing this principle have found helpful.
I will be honest with someone about everything
Hopefully, this someone is your spouse. If not, make finding someone a priority. Let this person in on what is going on with you and listen to his input. Your someone will come to know you better than anyone else knows you. God wants to use this person to speak to you. Will you listen? Pastors are not trying to lie. Pastors are trying to speak in faith. They are concerned about the impact their honest disclosures may have on the person with whom they share. Pastors wear too many hats. Relationships are complex. So, pastors continue to say, “I am doing well. The church is great … La … la … la.”
With clarity of hindsight, I can see more perceptively now. For a long time I ran as hard as I could, all out of energy every day — long days. In some ways, I treated life like a sprint: 100 yards, all my energy on the line, using it all up in my burst for the tape, and I was done. Now, I see more clearly. Life is a long race — a marathon.
So, I found an experienced marathoner and had a conversation. On his office walls are ribbons and medals from the Philadelphia, Boston, New York, Chicago, Detroit, and Orlando marathons. Now, he does not finish at the top of the pack with name recognition, but he finishes. He gets the prize.
He laughed when I asked him the difference between a sprinter and a marathon runner. He said: “Everything is different. In a marathon, the runner expends his energy gradually — 26.2 miles is always a long distance. It is always hard to run that far. A big key is to not focus on what the other runners are doing, but to focus on your own energy and reserves. The runner is racing himself.
“Particularly, the runner must guard against spending too much energy too early in the race. He must manage the expenditure of his energy wisely. Runners must eat and drink long before they feel the need to or they will cramp up and the race is over.
“About managing your energy and finishing strong, all good marathoners break the race into chunks of distance. The first few miles their objective is to see what they are feeling like. Then, they run in 5-mile chunks to measure their time and endurance.
“Finally, at the 20-mile mark, wise runners take another read and pace themselves so they can finish strong and completely spent. Tell them to be wise in how they run. It is always a longer race than one thinks.”
Then I opened the Bible to Hebrews 12:1–3. Verse 1 says, “Run with perseverance.” (Three times in these verses, the descriptive word is “endurance.”) This passage calls us to run the marathon of life.
In the last months as I have gotten real with other pastors about my journey through the valley, I have had others draw close and say in my ear, “I don’t know how I can go on. These are the hardest years of my ministry. I’m hardly surviving. I’m on meds. Something has to change.”
Something needs to change, and something can. Jesus is calling: “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me — watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly” (Matthew 11:28–30, The Message).3
David Argue was founding pastor of Christ’s Place Church in Lincoln, Nebraska, where he served for 3 decades. He currently lives in Colorado Springs, Colorado, and is director of pastoral care for the Rocky Mountain District of the Assemblies of God. He has also served as executive presbyter for the General Council of the Assemblies of God. Now he offers ministry that can strengthen, stabilize, and refresh congregations and those who serve them. For more information visit http://www.daveargue.com.
Notes
1. Ruth Barton, Invitation to Solitude and Silence: Experiencing God’s Transforming Presence (Downers Grove, Ill.: InterVarsity Press, 2004), 59.
2. Andy Stanley, Choosing To Cheat: Who Wins When Family and Work Collide? (Sisters, Ore.: Multnomah, 2003), 125.
3. The Message: The Bible in Contemporary Language. This edition issued by contractual arrangement with NavPress, a division of The Navigators, U.S.A. Originally published by NavPress in English as The Message: The Bible in Contemporary Language Copyright © 2002 by Eugene Peterson. All rights reserved.
“I take thee, David, to be my husband … for better, for worse … for richer, for poorer … in sickness and in health … to love and to cherish … till death us do part.”
It has been more than 11 years since I spoke those words to David. I was all aglow and focused more on “for better” than “for worse.” In the past 2 years, I began reaching within myself to speak those vows in a much deeper way by choosing to love and to cherish during the great pain and loneliness I felt while facing David’s struggle with burnout.
As I watched my husband spiral down physically and emotionally, I realized that he was changing, and so was our marriage. My role of parenting partner, playful friend, lover, and ministry teammate was shifting to decision maker, caregiver, protector, and financial manager. Not only did I need to adjust to these changes, but I also had to do so with grace as a pastor’s wife in front of our congregation as well. Thank God for wonderful friends and family who walked through these months with us.
Our marriage is one of great joy and laughter, passion for ministry, and deep love for one another and our children. Each of those areas was challenged when David’s struggle began. Because the burnout took place over a 2-year period, we experienced many emotional twists and turns. This caused anger in me, and I felt alone and helpless. Where does the pastor’s wife go when there is a struggle in the parsonage? In the initial stages, I prayed that the Lord would do all He wanted to do in David’s life. Little did I know He wanted to change me as well, and so began my journey of change.
Our marriage and ministry were greatly affected when the clouds of depression rolled in. While trying to plan our youngest daughter’s wedding, I was torn between the joy of the upcoming event and the heaviness in our home. I learned that I must continue to embrace life and celebrate joyful occasions, and, at the same time, minister to my husband.
The two most important things I could do for him were to show him that I loved him and pray for him. When he needed to talk, I was there to listen. When he could not see anything good about himself, I reminded him of why I loved him. To help him face the anxious moments I read the Psalms over him, which brought us a sense of peace. I learned to be careful not to be demanding or to pressure him.
I prayed for David in several different ways. Many times, I prayed in the Spirit over him. I prayed trusting God’s will would be done in our lives, and prayer strengthened our faith as well.
I explained to David that if he woke up and felt my hand on his head, I was praying silently for him. There were many nights when he stirred in his sleep and gave a deep sigh of contentment that let me know he was aware of my prayers. That practice continues today in his recovery.
Loving David in practical ways meant respecting his withdrawal and silence. I had to control my frustration and impatience with the changes I saw in him. Sometimes this meant going for a short drive, or calling one of our children and venting my feelings. My calls also reminded them to continually pray for us. I am grateful, too, for my loving parents who called me every day assuring us of their prayers and confidence that God would bring us through.
I had to learn to set my own needs aside during this season of struggle. I needed David’s affirmation and encouragement. It took me awhile to accept the fact he was not capable of giving me either. In addition, until I got to a place of acceptance, I could not be a true encouragement to him. I already knew that the Lord is the only One who can take care of me, and I soon discovered that some of my needs did not seem as important in light of David’s struggle. I realized that during this season I had to draw from the Lord for my own strength and emotional stability.
I am thankful for the many resources that helped me on this journey. I read many books, and David and I also sought the help of medical professionals and counselors. The Spirit of God was my Comforter and Friend. He spoke to me in the night and enabled me to walk alongside my husband with faith and courage. A verse that I clung to was Micah 7:7,8: “But as for me, I will look to the Lord and be confident in Him. I will wait with hope and expectancy for the God of my Salvation. When I fall, I will arise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a light to me.”1
We are both changed. We are both grateful.
Jackie Argue, wife of David Argue, Colorado Springs, Colorado David and Jackie can be contacted through their website http://www.daveargue.com.
Note
1. Adapted from The Amplified Bible.
From Enrichment Journal, "Tools of the Trade"
